Neurodiversity Global · Manager guide

Having difficult conversations

A difficult conversation normally feels difficult before it starts.

You may be worried about upsetting someone, damaging the relationship, getting the conversation wrong or creating a bigger problem.

The subject may be serious. Performance. Behaviour. Attendance. Working relationships. Capability. Sometimes somebody's role or continued employment.

Avoiding the conversation does not usually protect anybody.

It delays the point at which the person can understand the concern, explain what you may not know, receive support and make a change.

Keep in mind

Deal with important issues fairly, clearly and early enough that there are still options.

Why does it feel difficult?

  • I do not want to upset them
  • I do not want to damage the relationship
  • I am worried about how they will react
  • The consequences may be serious
  • I am not completely sure I am right
  • I am worried about saying the wrong thing
  • I feel responsible for fixing it
  • I am worried about protecting myself

Reframe

The conversation is an intervention because something requires attention.

It should help:

  • the individual understand the concern
  • the manager understand what they may not yet know
  • both sides clarify what needs to change
  • identify barriers or support needs
  • protect colleagues, standards and service delivery
  • prevent a manageable issue becoming a formal one
  • protect the organisation
  • protect the manager

A better question

How do I deal with something important fairly, clearly and early enough that we still have options?

Before the conversation

Do not start with the conversation you have rehearsed in your head. Start with the facts.

  1. What has actually happened?

    Describe what you have seen, heard or can evidence.

    Not

    “They have a bad attitude.”

    Instead

    “Three agreed actions were not completed and the next team had to pick them up.”

  2. What is the impact?

    Be clear about whether it affects the work, another person, the wider team, service delivery, safety, a deadline or a working relationship.

  3. What genuinely needs to happen?

    Know the requirement before discussing why it has not been met.

    Ask: What must stay? What may be flexible?

  4. What am I assuming?

    Words such as difficult, rude, lazy, careless, resistant and disengaged are usually interpretations. Separate what happened from what you think it means.

  5. What does the person need to know beforehand?

    Give enough information for them to understand the purpose of the conversation and prepare.

    Not

    “Can we have a quick chat tomorrow?”

    Instead

    “I want to discuss the two deadlines that were missed this week, understand what happened and agree what needs to happen next.”

Keep in mind

Preparation does not remove accountability. It reduces avoidable uncertainty.

Start with the work

01

Situation

Where and when did this happen?

02

Behaviour

What did you actually observe?

03

Impact

What happened as a result?

Example

“In yesterday's operational meeting you spoke over two colleagues while they were answering questions. The discussion stopped and neither colleague returned to the point they were making. I want to understand what was happening for you and talk about how we handle this differently next time.”

The person knows what the concern is. They also have somewhere to start.

Then listen

“Talk me through what happened from your perspective.”

Useful questions

  • What was happening at that point?
  • Was anything getting in the way?
  • Was the expectation clear?
  • Is this happening elsewhere as well?
  • What would help you handle this differently?
  • Is there anything I need to understand that I currently do not?

Do not turn the conversation into an interrogation.

Do not ask questions that already contain your diagnosis of the problem.

Do not start with

  • “Is this your ADHD?”
  • “Are you overwhelmed?”
  • “Is this because you are autistic?”

Start here

Start with what happened.

If neurodivergence becomes relevant

New information may change how you understand the situation.
It does not make the original concern disappear.

If somebody tells you they are neurodivergent, have recently been diagnosed, think they may be neurodivergent or have a support need, move from the label to the workplace impact.

Ask

  • What is difficult?
  • When does it happen?
  • What helps?
  • What makes it harder?
  • What could reasonably change?
  • What still needs to happen?

What changes and what does not?

What may change

  • how information is provided
  • how much preparation time is useful
  • how a meeting is structured
  • the environment in which work happens
  • the support available
  • the route used to reach the required outcome

What does not automatically change

  • genuine role requirements
  • safety requirements
  • the impact on colleagues
  • the need to complete essential work
  • the need to address damaging behaviour
  • the manager's responsibility to manage

Close the conversation properly

Do not finish with:

“Okay, let's see how things go.”

Agree

What needs to change?
Be specific.
What will the manager do?
Clarify instructions, change an avoidable barrier, provide support, seek advice or take another agreed action.
What will the employee do?
Make their responsibility equally clear.
When will it happen?
Set a realistic timescale.
When will you review it?
Do not leave support or performance expectations open ended.
What happens if it does not improve?
Where appropriate, be clear about the next stage.

Protect the person. Protect the organisation. Protect yourself.

01 / 03

Protect the person

  • Listen
  • Use evidence rather than assumptions
  • Give them an opportunity to respond
  • Consider relevant barriers and support
  • Use a fair and accessible process

02 / 03

Protect the organisation

  • Keep genuine requirements visible
  • Address performance and behaviour when needed
  • Consider colleagues, safety and service delivery
  • Use the correct process

03 / 03

Protect yourself as the manager

  • Keep a clear record
  • Record decisions and agreed actions
  • Do not promise what you cannot deliver
  • Do not carry a complex case alone
  • Seek advice when the situation moves beyond normal management judgement

When the conversation is becoming a process

Get additional support when:

  • the concern is becoming formal
  • performance or conduct remains unresolved
  • an adjustment decision is outside your authority
  • there is significant disagreement about what is reasonable
  • trust has seriously deteriorated
  • a grievance or complaint has been raised
  • health information requires specialist advice
  • you are no longer confident that informal management is enough

Keep in mind

Do not keep adding informal conversations to a situation that now needs a proper process.

Where to get support

Managers are not expected to solve every issue themselves.

People or HR support

process, policy, performance and employee relations

Occupational Health and Wellbeing

workplace impact, health and adjustment advice

Neurodiversity Network and DAWN

information, signposting and peer support

Senior management

authority, operational decisions and escalation

Use the route that fits the situation. Check your organisation's current process where a formal route or specialist advice is required.

Five questions before you act

  1. 01What do I know?
  2. 02What am I assuming?
  3. 03What does the work genuinely require?
  4. 04What do I need to understand from the person?
  5. 05What needs to happen next?

Remember

You can be clear without being cruel.

You can listen without agreeing.

You can understand why something happened without accepting the impact.

You can offer support without removing responsibility.

You can manage performance without ignoring neurodivergence.

You can ask for help before the situation becomes something you should not be carrying alone.

Whole room activity

The conversation that needs to happen

Step 1

“We need to talk about your attitude. You have become increasingly difficult lately. Other people are noticing it too and I think you need to be more aware of how you come across.”

What is wrong with this conversation before the employee has even spoken?

Back to workshop